accidental suicide

Go ahead and kill yourself
Because everyone will blame themselves
And you are the everlasting victim
In your heavenly body

And now you are gone.
Praise be to rock and roll and hopelessness.

The silence that is left by your disappearance
leaves chills to my earthly body
and almost makes me believe I have a soul.

You took everything away from me,
But you should know that the everything you took
Is a speck in my life.
And that the power you had was lost long before
You found your final escape.

And now you are gone.

Your demons followed me around
As if they were not happy just possessing you
But needed to ruin and hurt anything in their pathway.
You didn’t exist.
You were lived.
You were dead.

It was never my life to begin with.
But you stole it from me anyway.
You are probably laughing.

I said this would happen
Even then.
I tried to protect you
Again and again

Because I saw this moment
The moment that your need for retreating
Is more important than your need
To be seen.
And it’s not fair.

Because your cries for help were heard
But still echoed back at you so loud
That pride overtook you
And the voices in your head were stronger
Than any voice of reason
Or any voice of love.

It was easier for you to give up
Over and over
Than it was to believe that you could feel better one day
It was easier for you to give up this time.
Than it was to tell your demons that you are worth more

More than anything
a waisted person is a waisted life.
Not because you are dead now
But because you never really lived no matter
How hard anyone tries to tell themselves you did
They only tell themselves that
To justify their own lives.
To justify their use of your desperation.
And to justify your death.

I wished this upon you
And I wished that you could be free from all this shit.
You were the worst person
But also the best example of what not to do.
And still I envied you.

Because you had a magic
And anyone that knew you will attest to that.
And you had charm when you weren’t crying or yelling
Or being a child.

You wanted not to care, but you did.
And nobody really wanted you to care, so you couldn’t.

I will never understand you
I will always hate you
And I will always be sorry that there was nobody who could talk sense into you.

And I’m sure you will come to memory
Every so often
But only to haunt me and hate me
And blame me for everything you have ever done wrong
And you’ll even blame me for what you’ve done now

So let me not take your moment away from you
Shine like the sun
For the few seconds that the people who knew you
Hear that you’ve left

I hope it was worth it
I hope your pleasure in pain was worth it

A friend who thinks she's better

I'll be there for you
and tell you every right word and every good thing
I'll shine my light for you
I'll be an example

I'll pretend I really care about what it is you are saying
in the chance that I might win you for my cause
Because I want jewels in my crown, and that is all I really care about
And I want to be glittery to all who will fall for it
Let noone see that I am flawed
After all, what would they think of you to let me be as flawed as I am

And I'll pretend and pretend and pretend
until the very end
Since I can't stand the sight of me without my face
I'd rather you not see it and nobody know
I'd rather you love the facade
than hate who I am
I'd rather be there for yours
and ignore the truth

Please, let me forget about you
because you pierce me right through
To you, I exist as a member of parts
But to me, I'm above those and everything else



Well friend, if you saw anyone but yourself you would know that it is not ME who asked the wrong questions and didn't pursue.
It was you.
BUT YOU DON'T EXIST!

LOVE

Love is not a choice

When you came to being in my womb
Outside there was a world of violence
You came to being in my womb
As I was being defiled
Then I realised you existed
My heart for you helped me to escape
Then I realised you were growing
The strength inside of me rose above…


It rose above…
to love.

some thoughts to keep me going

the following are the thoughts of an online-friend that i think are truly amazing! awesome and intelligent much!
You are beautiful in the fact that you are an amazing creature, unique and one of a kind and the Earth shall never be graced with the presence of something identical to you (remember, even "identical twins" are not truly identical), but that there are things about yourself that could be improved and as a tribute and dedication to personal growth you will put yourself through the required trials and tribulations to move towards that more perfect self. You are kind, but remember that being too kind can be a flaw and as such reserve your kindness to those who truly deserve it. You are funny and make those around you laugh when they need their happiness raised, but know when it's time to be serious and know that trying to be funny in those times may only make the situation worse. You are intelligent in the unique abilities that your body has granted you with and you exploit those abilities to benefit yourself and those around you, but are not afraid to shy away from the things you may not excel in because by performing these things you are broadening your usefulness to society as a whole as well as making you feel that your own self worth is valuable. You are trusting, but know that being too trusting of those who have not proven themselves as trustworthy can be detrimental to your well being as as such you proceed with caution and allow them to build that trust amongst the two of you.

a dream

A village that is a labyrinth,
Sometimes taken to a dead end,
Yet the house that it leads to,
Is full of culture, beauty and wisdom.
Greys and reds and pinks and purples,
Blue eyes behind glasses that tell more than i will ever understand.
And when i’ve lost my way completely,
There is where i find what’s missing,
There is where a new mystery is uncovered.
Outside, but protected from the rain.

you give me warm fuzzies

You give me warm fuzzies
Inspired by galatians 5:22 and 23

You give me warm fuzzies, and that makes me smile.
i hope i give you warm fuzzies, and make you smile.
When you knock on my door, you wait for me to open, and you would wait forever.
You give me peace that passes understanding.
you talk to me, share with me, help me out,
i want to be just like you.
You always do the right thing,
I never know what to do, but you help me to anyway.
Your commitment to me and your belief in me is greater than i will ever truly know,
I’m stuck on you and don’t ever want to leave your side.
You know what, when and how to say things,
So speak through me.

manuela ik denk aan jou

ik heb net te horen gekregen dat een oude vriendin van mij overleden is een hele tijd terug. ik was echt geschokt en heb nog steeds gedachtes die door mij heen gaan dat diegene die dat verteld heeft aan mij moet liegen. manuela was een vrouw die altijd in iedereen geloofde en ervoor je was wanneer niemand anders dat was. manuela had ook heel veel angsten maar was dan niet bang om die met mij te delen. wij hebben hele gekke dingen meegemaakt samen die niemand anders behalve zij zou kunnen begrijpen. en nu hoor ik dat zij er niet meer is. ik heb haar voor het laatst plusmin 4 jaar terug gezien. het is kort daarna dat zij verdronken is. nu ik haar nooit meer tegen zal moggen komen, mis ik haar heel erg en wil ik haar terug hier op aarde. manuela, je bent zo mooi en slim. ik weet dat jij het had begrepen als ik diegene zou vervloeken die jou dit heeft aangedaan, maar dat wil je niet.jij bent zo'n bijzonder persoon en was maar zo kort hier. sorry, dat ik jou niet kon lezen die dag dat ik je weer tegen kwam na zoveel tijd, dan was ik met jou weggevlucht, dan waren we naar de zon gegaan. ik weet niet wat ik moet doen met het gedachte dat je hier niet meer rondloopt. herriner je nog dat we een ladder naar boven klommen in de graansilo en dat we ons rot moesten lachen? zo ga ik aan jou denken. aan die plek tussen hier en nergens waar er zoveel gebeurt dat je pas kan begrijpen wanneer je niets begrijpt.