breezy spreezy just me

accidental suicide

2010-08-24T11:32:00.000-07:00

Go ahead and kill yourself
Because everyone will blame themselves
And you are the everlasting victim
In your heavenly body

And now you are gone.
Praise be to rock and roll and hopelessness.

The silence that is left by your disappearance
leaves chills to my earthly body
and almost makes me believe I have a soul.

You took everything away from me,
But you should know that the everything you took
Is a speck in my life.
And that the power you had was lost long before
You found your final escape.

And now you are gone.

Your demons followed me around
As if they were not happy just possessing you
But needed to ruin and hurt anything in their pathway.
You didn’t exist.
You were lived.
You were dead.

It was never my life to begin with.
But you stole it from me anyway.
You are probably laughing.

I said this would happen
Even then.
I tried to protect you
Again and again

Because I saw this moment
The moment that your need for retreating
Is more important than your need
To be seen.
And it’s not fair.

Because your cries for help were heard
But still echoed back at you so loud
That pride overtook you
And the voices in your head were stronger
Than any voice of reason
Or any voice of love.

It was easier for you to give up
Over and over
Than it was to believe that you could feel better one day
It was easier for you to give up this time.
Than it was to tell your demons that you are worth more

More than anything
a waisted person is a waisted life.
Not because you are dead now
But because you never really lived no matter
How hard anyone tries to tell themselves you did
They only tell themselves that
To justify their own lives.
To justify their use of your desperation.
And to justify your death.

I wished this upon you
And I wished that you could be free from all this shit.
You were the worst person
But also the best example of what not to do.
And still I envied you.

Because you had a magic
And anyone that knew you will attest to that.
And you had charm when you weren’t crying or yelling
Or being a child.

You wanted not to care, but you did.
And nobody really wanted you to care, so you couldn’t.

I will never understand you
I will always hate you
And I will always be sorry that there was nobody who could talk sense into you.

And I’m sure you will come to memory
Every so often
But only to haunt me and hate me
And blame me for everything you have ever done wrong
And you’ll even blame me for what you’ve done now

So let me not take your moment away from you
Shine like the sun
For the few seconds that the people who knew you
Hear that you’ve left

I hope it was worth it
I hope your pleasure in pain was worth it

A friend who thinks she's better

2010-06-09T10:09:00.000-07:00

I'll be there for you
and tell you every right word and every good thing
I'll shine my light for you
I'll be an example

I'll pretend I really care about what it is you are saying
in the chance that I might win you for my cause
Because I want jewels in my crown, and that is all I really care about
And I want to be glittery to all who will fall for it
Let noone see that I am flawed
After all, what would they think of you to let me be as flawed as I am

And I'll pretend and pretend and pretend
until the very end
Since I can't stand the sight of me without my face
I'd rather you not see it and nobody know
I'd rather you love the facade
than hate who I am
I'd rather be there for yours
and ignore the truth

Please, let me forget about you
because you pierce me right through
To you, I exist as a member of parts
But to me, I'm above those and everything else

Well friend, if you saw anyone but yourself you would know that it is not ME who asked the wrong questions and didn't pursue.
It was you.
BUT YOU DON'T EXIST!

LOVE

2010-05-02T07:06:00.000-07:00

Love is not a choice

When you came to being in my womb
Outside there was a world of violence
You came to being in my womb
As I was being defiled
Then I realised you existed
My heart for you helped me to escape
Then I realised you were growing
The strength inside of me rose above…

It rose above…
to love.

some thoughts to keep me going

2010-03-22T04:29:00.000-07:00

the following are the thoughts of an online-friend that i think are truly amazing! awesome and intelligent much!
You are beautiful in the fact that you are an amazing creature, unique and one of a kind and the Earth shall never be graced with the presence of something identical to you (remember, even "identical twins" are not truly identical), but that there are things about yourself that could be improved and as a tribute and dedication to personal growth you will put yourself through the required trials and tribulations to move towards that more perfect self. You are kind, but remember that being too kind can be a flaw and as such reserve your kindness to those who truly deserve it. You are funny and make those around you laugh when they need their happiness raised, but know when it's time to be serious and know that trying to be funny in those times may only make the situation worse. You are intelligent in the unique abilities that your body has granted you with and you exploit those abilities to benefit yourself and those around you, but are not afraid to shy away from the things you may not excel in because by performing these things you are broadening your usefulness to society as a whole as well as making you feel that your own self worth is valuable. You are trusting, but know that being too trusting of those who have not proven themselves as trustworthy can be detrimental to your well being as as such you proceed with caution and allow them to build that trust amongst the two of you.

a dream

2010-03-15T10:37:00.000-07:00

A village that is a labyrinth,
Sometimes taken to a dead end,
Yet the house that it leads to,
Is full of culture, beauty and wisdom.
Greys and reds and pinks and purples,
Blue eyes behind glasses that tell more than i will ever understand.
And when i’ve lost my way completely,
There is where i find what’s missing,
There is where a new mystery is uncovered.
Outside, but protected from the rain.

you give me warm fuzzies

2010-02-24T11:23:00.000-08:00

You give me warm fuzzies
Inspired by galatians 5:22 and 23

You give me warm fuzzies, and that makes me smile.
i hope i give you warm fuzzies, and make you smile.
When you knock on my door, you wait for me to open, and you would wait forever.
You give me peace that passes understanding.
you talk to me, share with me, help me out,
i want to be just like you.
You always do the right thing,
I never know what to do, but you help me to anyway.
Your commitment to me and your belief in me is greater than i will ever truly know,
I’m stuck on you and don’t ever want to leave your side.
You know what, when and how to say things,
So speak through me.

manuela ik denk aan jou

2009-12-25T19:14:00.000-08:00

ik heb net te horen gekregen dat een oude vriendin van mij overleden is een hele tijd terug. ik was echt geschokt en heb nog steeds gedachtes die door mij heen gaan dat diegene die dat verteld heeft aan mij moet liegen. manuela was een vrouw die altijd in iedereen geloofde en ervoor je was wanneer niemand anders dat was. manuela had ook heel veel angsten maar was dan niet bang om die met mij te delen. wij hebben hele gekke dingen meegemaakt samen die niemand anders behalve zij zou kunnen begrijpen. en nu hoor ik dat zij er niet meer is. ik heb haar voor het laatst plusmin 4 jaar terug gezien. het is kort daarna dat zij verdronken is. nu ik haar nooit meer tegen zal moggen komen, mis ik haar heel erg en wil ik haar terug hier op aarde. manuela, je bent zo mooi en slim. ik weet dat jij het had begrepen als ik diegene zou vervloeken die jou dit heeft aangedaan, maar dat wil je niet.jij bent zo'n bijzonder persoon en was maar zo kort hier. sorry, dat ik jou niet kon lezen die dag dat ik je weer tegen kwam na zoveel tijd, dan was ik met jou weggevlucht, dan waren we naar de zon gegaan. ik weet niet wat ik moet doen met het gedachte dat je hier niet meer rondloopt. herriner je nog dat we een ladder naar boven klommen in de graansilo en dat we ons rot moesten lachen? zo ga ik aan jou denken. aan die plek tussen hier en nergens waar er zoveel gebeurt dat je pas kan begrijpen wanneer je niets begrijpt.

total bliss, nirvana

2009-11-30T04:42:00.000-08:00

i just tried to figure out how much money approximately i spend on groceries a week. it turns out i spend about 50 euros a week on just the bare essentials, that's including diapers, wipes, frsh vegetables and fruit, healthy snacks, drink, etc. i actually will now start to get only 70 euro's a week, and after tobacco, that means i have not one cent over to ever do anything fun, and what saddens me even more, is that i will not be able to share my wealth. i had made a habit of giving x amount to different street people in the neighbourhood. i have to hope that my bike stays functional, as there will be no money for transport, and i won't be able to get minutes for my phone, therefore my social life will be less as well. quit smoking? i will probably end up not smoking 3 out of 7 days the way it's looking now anyway, and i'm stressed enough as it is! what am i going to do? what am i going to do? what am i going to do.

2009-11-28T12:49:00.000-08:00

oke, de opdracht is om meer te gaan schrijven en minder in discussie te gaan met mensen, want als ik de dingen van me afschrijf, hoef ik er niet meer over na te denken, terwijl wanneer ik in discussie ga, ik door en door en door denk.
hoe is het mogelijk dat net wanneer je god of het idee god weer een kleine kans wil geven dat er van alles tegen jou gezegd wordt ten name van god wat gewoon absoluut niet kan kloppen.
forever alone, perpetuated by "god". ik neem aan dat u niet zo bent, god. als u er bent, bent u niet zo. u zou mij dan oke vinden, u zou zien dat ik zo mn best doe. u zou zien dat ik gewoon mnzelf wil zijn. u zou zien dat ik alleen maar geaccepteerd wil worden. u zou zien dat ik de waarheid in alle goedheid wil weten. u zou zien hoe hard ik vecht voor rechtvaardigheid en begrip. u zou zien hoe dat allemaal mislukt. dat zou u niks uitmaken, want als u er bent, vind u mij prima, zoals ik ben, met alle beschadigingen en alle tegenstrijd.
en zo moet ik ook tegenover een ander staan. maar ik ben god niet, ik ben ...! sinds wanneer moet je jou gevoelens en gedachtens verbergen van een ander om waardig christen te zijn? geen een persoon is waardig, en allen zijn waardig. geen een verdient gods liefde meer dan een ander. er zijn geen maatstaven voor gods liefde. de grootste weldoener, het slimste persoon met de meeste kennis, of het meest nederige dienaar, allemaal zijn niet beter dan een mier met een appel op zijn rug voor god.
kapsones neem je niet mee naar de hemel wanneer jij overlijdt. je ziel is wat overblijft en die valt niet door jezelf of een ander te oordelen.
wanneer mensen dit zouden begrijpen, zouden wij met zn allen een stuk relaxter zijn! FIN

vegafilet en cherrycola

2009-10-27T14:51:00.000-07:00

wat zou ik zijn zonder mijn vrienden? het is een vraag, ookal klinkt als een of ander "positief statement". ik heb geen werk. ik heb geen hobby's. ik heb een kind van 2 met ontwikkelings problemen. soms voel ik mij een "token crazy person" in de groep. ik merk ook steeds meer dat bepaalde mensen zich volledig anders gedragen als er nieuwelingen zijn, dan dat ze bijvoorbeeld bij mij thuis gedragen. ik merk ook dat iedereen meer moeite voor elkander doet dan dat het lijkt dat zij voor mij doen. ik ben zeker makkelijk prooi. over de jaren heen heb ik zoveel gedaan om nuttig te proberen te zijn, maar het blijkt dat ik in ieder geval voor hun niet nuttig ben. in deze maatschappij zou ik me misschien wel nuttig kunnen maken, dus misschien moet ik alles achter mij laten en mij storten in een of ander goed doel of zelf-opgezette bedrijf waarin ik creatief kan zijn. ik voel dat ik gefaald heb. ik voel me soms alsof ik niet besta. alles en iedereen gaat voor mij en als ik dat niet toelaat(een enkele keer) dan word er op dat moment geimpliceerd naar mij dat ik geen goed persoon, of dat ik niet genoeg aan een ander denk. natuurlijk moet je vrijgevig zijn. natuurlijk moet je vergiffenis tonen. maar hoever kun je gaan?
mensen hebben volgens mij ook echt het idee dat ik mijn situatie voor mnzelf heb gecreeerd. nou, sorry hoor mensen, maar mijn verhaal is te grafisch om online te publiceren, dus ik vind dat mensen verder moeten kijken dan hun neus lang is.
ik word moe hiervan. ik word gek hiervan, letterlijk gek. ik hou het niet lang vol meer. wanneer mensen met psychiatrische problemen van een gebouw afspringen of naakt over straat gaan lopen is het niet omdat het systeem niet ingrijpt,maar omdat vrienden en familie dat niet doet.

done.

my house

2009-07-07T05:30:00.000-07:00

ever since i was in my early teens i learned to compare my own me with a house. throughout my life i have had different dreams about this house. at this point i am coming out of a 9-year relationship and have been having a hard time processing this. last night i dreamt about my "house" last night and this person that i've been in relationship was everywhere in my house. it gave me a sense of protection and peace. now i wonder if i should keep him in my house in my future dreams for the sake of the saying "always keeping a person in your heart". or should i somehow ask him to leave my house, and maybe even tell him to never come back again. if i dream about my house in 5 years, do i still want him to be walking around in it? but when someone has such a strong presence in your house, what will it be like when they leave? will it be lonely, quiet? will the sounds echo off of the walls? what if i left a picture of him on my wall in the hallway? i think his picture would just haunt me like a ghost. i think when he leaves my house, i'm going to fill it with potted flowers and paintings of other people's houses...

really bad at communicating

2009-06-30T14:05:00.000-07:00

i think i am the most misunderstood person on the planet!
i just want to be freed from my ongoing thought-processes.
get out of my brain, you!
just shoot me, why don't you?
i hate being in boxes.
i hate assumptions.
what do i like?
normalcy.
i want to be normal!
i'd rather people say "hey, she's normal.", than have them say anything else.
life would be so much easier.
i know some people say normalcy is over-rated.
i also know they are wrong.
the best thing that could ever happen to me would be exactly that.
normal.
JUST normal.

exceem en schoon water

2009-06-29T08:53:00.000-07:00

nou, ik heb uit desperatie maar een dure creme besteld online om hopelijk iets te doen aan mijn nare exceem. waarom ik in het nederlands schrijf weet ik ook niet, hoor! ik heb intussen 4 verschillende cremes en vetten van de dermatoloog geprobeerd, maar die doen of niks, of maar voor even, of maken het erger. ik heb echt een hele tijd gedacht dat ik ervan af was, maar sinds ongeveer december vorig jaar heb ik er weer last van. ik haat exceem!!! ik ga vanavond maar weer eens een keer televisie kijken, het is comedynight op tv. zucht. ik heb geen zin meer in dit weer.
ik ben wel blij dat ik mee ben gegaan met het waterwalk. ongeloofelijk dat mensen 3 keer zolang en 3 keer zoveel moeten lopen, alleen om water te halen dat geen eens schoon en gezond is. eigenlijk is het een grote schande dat dit mag gebeuren hier op aarde. en zo zijn er talloze dingen die schandalig zijn. de wereld is zo oneerlijk. for those of you who can't read dutch: sorry, maybe next time!!!

2009-06-26T04:31:00.000-07:00

i skipped a night of sleep wednesday. i always end up tripping out when i've missed a night of sleep, getting tunnelvision and losing my balance all the time. last night i got about 12 hours of sleep, but i still feel deadtired. i was supposed to rsvp for something yesterday, but i didn't get a chance to till today. The thing is i'm sure at some point yesterday i did have the chance, but at that point i didn't think of it. nowadays, i have to write everything down. i'm getting soo old!!! blablabla...

yay!

2009-06-23T04:46:00.000-07:00

i reconciled with a friend today. good stuff!

downcast and tormented

2009-06-22T12:04:00.000-07:00

ugh! somehow i've caught the attention of certain christians on youtube who believe that slavery is approved of by god and that the bible even teaches on how to beat slaves and avoid persecution for it! how can people integrate so much hatred into such a loving message. i really am on the verge of crying over this. i feel like christianity is being so misrepresented by so many people. oh, great god in heaven, help me! shine through me! i was really hoping to write something easy and breezy today, but alas!

blegblog

2009-06-21T13:31:00.000-07:00

just fed my virtual fish...
there really is a point to listening to people, even if you don't agree with what they say. i just find it incredibly tiring! going to the library tomorrow. at least books don't talk back!, but i'm really only going there for aaron. but they might have the book i'm looking for there. i'm wondering about the style of churches today. how the church basically has a podium for one person to say how they interpret a certain text from the bible, then there is singing, then there is socialising. i don't think that the early churches were like this. i think that possibly someone would bring a subject to the table, then everyone would talk about the subject. sure, there were certain chosen people to make ultimate decisions, but it was discussed. and in discussions, there is automatically the social aspect. and i imagine the songs weren't really planned ahead of time either. have fun!!!

stretching yourself out of boredom

2009-06-20T12:07:00.000-07:00

hi! i have now subscribed to uctv, because i am so constantly confronted with mindless babbling on tv or online that i thought i'd watch something that doesn't necessarily teach me something, but at least keeps my brain from vegetating. i would like some feedback on a thought that entered my mind a couple thousand times today(exageration). Do i come across as if i'm constantly disagreeing with people? that's not what i'm trying to do. i just, really i'm just adding on to what someone says, or showing things in a different light. shouldn't i say what i'm thinking, if it doesn't hurt anyone. and if it does, isn't it their decision to be hurt, if they know i mean well? or is this an egotistical way of thinking? the friends i appreciate most (discussion-wise, if thats a word) are the ones who take what i have to say, trranslate to their own words and then add to that. i hope to acquire this art myself. on the most occassions, i'm just real impulsive, but that's usally because i've thought about things in other moments and have already come to my conclusions about them. so, just because i've come to a conclusion, doesn't mean that someone else's conclusion is wrong, so then why would i state my point? oh, it's an endless life of what to say and what not to say. why am i cursed with this burden of thought?!!! I hope soon people will read my blog and post some responses.
So anyway, as you've come to see if you've read this blog or the ones before it, my goal is not to tell you what's going on in my life, rather what's going on in my mind. Stay tuned to me, there's a real good chance that eventually you'll be able to read the "thoughts of a madman"!!! But hopefully not until Aaron's gone off to college or to travel the world or whatever...

thoughts and who will do my dishes for free?

2009-06-19T10:39:00.000-07:00

I found the sandals, but they cost 119 euros! what is this world coming to?!
Thought for the day: If you want to have good friends, you have to be yourself.
2nd thought for the day: From the mouths of children and drunks comes the truth.
3rd thought for the day: Lisa Simpson is wiser than most 30 year olds of this day and age.
4th thought for the day: my flowers are now not just withered, they are dead.
5th thought for the day: I miss my kid!

By the way, is there anyone reading this who loves to do dishes and wash windows so much that they would go out of their way to do mine??? Just thought I'd throw that out there...

you call that style?!

2009-06-19T01:17:00.000-07:00

For me, it's good morning! I have no idea if anyone has read my previous messages, but i'm sure eventually, a few of my friends will. Oh yeah, my mom read my messages, and wanted to respond, wrote a whole message and when she tried to post it, it didn't work.
I just wanted to say something about shoes and the way the styles change over time. I've looked all over for similar sandals to the ones i had when i was a teenager. Do they not exist anymore??? Really, i've seen hundreds of so-called sandals. They are all hard plastic, sometimes with heels, and the most awful colors. I just want a soft rubber (preferably with velcro) sandal! That's all i ask! Has anyone seen these anywhere? Let me know...

just my observation about a glass jar w/a green lid

2009-06-18T09:37:00.000-07:00

If you have a glass jar with a green lid and your friend asks you, "why does that have a green lid?", do you answer: "because it's green."or "because it's a glass jar."or "because it's a lid on a jar.".
None of these answers are answers to the question that was asked. An answer that would be likely to be satisfactory might be "because it was painted green.". But that is more of an answer that would be used to satisfy a child. A more detailed answer would be (for ex.) "because it was painted green and the reason it was painted green, was because they did a series of tests to see which color would make the jar more appealing to people, sothat they would buy it.", which would most likely also be a satisfactory answer for an adult.

questions and answers

2009-06-17T03:33:00.000-07:00

good morning, afternoon, evening or night. the flowers i got for my birthday are wilting away and there still in my window. by the way, for those of you who came over, thank you! It was such a great evening. i'm not sure i have anything useful today, but you can never really know if anything you say is going to be useful. so there, i've said something useful, or have i?
yesterday, i was talking to someone about how jesus would be percieved by people if he came to the earth in these times, rather than those times. Would he be the same? Would he walk everywhere, not take a plane or car? would he have 12 disciples from the general area where he came from, or would he have people from all realms of the earth. Who would follow him? If in this day and age he said to people, leave all your wordly possessions and follow me, literally walking with him everywhere he needed to go to preach, would people follow him? I'ts easy to say, i follow christ, because i try to be like him in my life. but could i give up everything i have, not to find those things ever again, to follow christ? it's obvious for those who read the bible with open eyes, that it's not just about giving up your things (and that that's not for everyone), but about giving up certain ideas or feelings, that you once held close to you. about giving up your pride, giving up your anger, giving up your fear, giving up your impulses. the struggle (for me) is, that after you've given up your pride, there's a new pride that was hiding under that one, give up your anger, you'll find new anger, give up your fear, there's new fear, give up your impulses, there's new impulses. How am i to say that my new (for ex.) fear is any better than the first? I feel like the phrase bob dylan used "i was so much older than, i'm younger than that now".
really, im open to any answers or comments that people have, but most likely i will have to learn the answers myself, if i don't, i can't make them my own. thanks for reading!

I'm tired

2009-06-16T14:34:00.000-07:00

I've been watching different people's videos on youtube this week. I've randomly been led to all kinds of different people. Especially atheists and christians, well in any case people who like to argue their point. My brain is baffled, but not by the different opinions, but by such apparent hatred between so many people. Is this what god wanted? Does he really want people to come to their conclusions by the most offensive one, or the most controlling one? I don't know, i don't see god that way. I wish i could tell people exactly what god means to me, but i feel like i get sidetracked with explaining what i think the bible means. I mean, does god expect me to explain all the details that i understand (and even the ones that i don't). This seems impossible to me. There are so many layers, layer after layer to the bible AND my experiences with god. People tend to take certain verses from the bible that they haven't heard satisfactory answers to and blame this on god (who they think doesn't exist,but still even though god doesn't exist, god's horrible...), when really they should be blaming christians, if they blame anyone. And christians should take the blame for not portraiying god the way god is. didn't god tell us to use our gifts to practise loving the world? don't we have a holy spirit to refresh if we get beaten down. I can't imagine the holy spirit refreshing someone and then saying "now go insult that person" or "now go be narrow-minded"or "go say whatever it takes to make them afraid of hell". No, on the contrary. God said "love one another as i have loved you." God swallowed all his pride, and in his mind THAT was the only way to save us. So, wouldn't that be our way to save others?
This could just be me babbling on and on, but at the moment, this is what i'm thinking. But for many people, this is religious babbling and delusional, but i'm still interested to hear what people think.